Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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