You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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