I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
