i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
In other news, I just burned my penis
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
