Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
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