mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
