Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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