Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I don't deserve a penis
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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