You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It's shark week go big or go home
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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