My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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