dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
