I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
