a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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