im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It was a blind-side dick pic.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
