I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
ttyl tear gas
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
