He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
