I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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