his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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