glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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