well I can't set my house on fire every night
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
