i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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