Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
