a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
