Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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