I'm really into asian looking animals
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
