when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
