I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
is that a dick in a sweater?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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