apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
