so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
