I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
