I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I think I sprained my soul last night
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
