I faked an abortion last night.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
