She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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