Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
