I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Sext me about skeletons
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
