"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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