my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
