Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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