Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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