my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
