I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
