I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I have feelings that need drinking.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
