we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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