I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
