Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
