You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
