one might say we're banned from that church
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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