Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
