He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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