So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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